I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
