time to smoke my breakfast
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
