they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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