im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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