Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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