I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize