they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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