Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
