My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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