They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
