can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
