I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
