there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
