does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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