I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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