i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
