You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
