Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
