at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Randomize
