I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
