The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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