Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Can I color on your dick again?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
