I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
