Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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