so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
