I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize