well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
