Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
