Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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