oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
