A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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