you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
