The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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