The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
