hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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