I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
