Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
