I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
