I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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