Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
