The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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