dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
