so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
