FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Randomize
