I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
