Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
