Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
