If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
