Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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