Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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