i wish my penis had a tongue
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
