I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
