In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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