Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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