I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
