she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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