Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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