I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
