i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
