so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
