I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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