my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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