I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have tasted many bathrooms
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
