The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
